green light: now begin

mattress wonders where the epiphanies of yesterday have gone to. he remembers being electrified by many a concept. then various and sundry activities. then he remembers waking up, that pressure from the work-life collapsing his options for expression, and going through a routine set of motions that start the day most efficiently and comprehensively. fortunately, work has ended and that compression can be sloughed off for a few sequential days. would that weekends could be anytime.

he needs to clap the colander over the fleeting mouse of curiosity, to be able to control and focus it enough to serve his purposes. he had it trained well during college; it wouldn't wisp away unless he gave it license to. there was at the time so much new information, so many electrical currents flowing his way, that it was easy to find a capacitance to store and juggle them around for a time. prototyping personality. but now the information isn't flowing so freely, or at least not as forcibly. it does not stream across the ground in grids as it once did. people carry around their buckets of it, sloshing to and fro, and perhaps you can get a cupful from your neighbor if you ask a correct (but polite!) combination of questions to spark their discourse. people all have their passions...but it is more difficult than one would assume, to get someone to peel off a surface later and express something deeper.

and it can be the same sometimes with someone in their own presence; that is, alone. sometimes it is easier to just be surface; sometimes the depths have some notable spots that could stand to be avoided for a time. sometimes retreating into oneself entails denying a large portion of what you would consider to be your 'own' personality...there are myriad reasons why that might be the case. but, one has to be able to remember themselves after the fact, has to leave breadcrumbs to follow back. retracing one's own footsteps can be so rewarding~ to return with a fresh mind to places and problems that once had no escape, no freedom. the interest in them is still there...it seems now like at certain times in one's life, the recipe changes to express different flavors more poignantly. whereas once m was 20% immersed in literature, he is now 8%. the 12% differential is currently being occupied in other activities and areas of thought. it's a good thing, even though he can certainly say that he misses the degree of focus that he used to have in the area. certainly he will try to fade back into the habit, that's really what the point of this post is. but he is not saddened that his perspectives shifted noticeably for a few months or years. one could probably actually consider him mentally unstable had they not changed - the human mind needs to be refreshed with unique experience; it thrives on newness, life, just like any other organism on the planet.

in particular, though, one element that he wishes to recapture is the philosophical, burn, for lack of a better word. the searing deconstruction of the mind, due to a new and unstable idea. for whatever reason, matches has always been fascinated with the building of a person, the wandering through experiences, the tearing and the reconstitution of the mind. it comes back stronger, it does....'builds character', he would say were he calvin's pop. he thinks his is ready for crisp challenges, new pages of words constructing sentences constructing thoughts, new vertigoes to nudge him into unexpected orbital patterns. he was saying: for whatever reason, his mind has always throttled all the more fully when his current conception of the state of things in the world, the universe, was in absolute jeopardy...when the framework, the structure that his ideas of the world hung upon, was being cracked and hammered at. you can think that curious if you will....but there is an almost unbearable, bursting freedom that smiles directly at you in such times.

so, he will go on the task of recapturing, grasshopper-hunting as it were, and even attempt to take a concept or two further once he re-enlightens himself. if that's possible. he is very excited for the next year of his life...including tomorrow~ which is the most crucial point, of course.

" no more of that sittin' in a slump and uh,
no more of that coulda-woulda-shoulda junk
no more of that waiting for the inspiration, innovation
or a green light--now begin
no more of that lettin' all your time pass
no more petty illusions of the mindless
it's time to expand, power from within, you're takin' over this dominion
green light, now begin"
~ blackalicious - green light: now begin

peace ; )