"okay, dr. seuss"

it is an intensely exciting thing to be, to feel like a person outside of society while still within its confines. someone fundamentally disconnected and admissibly, wholeheartedly, desirably undefined. one of the greatest thrills, for matches, comes at any time, in any place, sitting and contemplating this distinction amidst a collection of persons whom he does not know. it is somehow exceedingly liberating to be able to say "i am this, i am that", and conversely to acknowledge that shape-shifting and chimeric tendencies are twisted somewhere around our very roots, deepest in our nourishing soil, and that they they assist us immeasurably in extracting the energy and intrigue from a liberated life. our preconceptions are seasonings, and they will alter appropriately the raw ingredients which providence provides, the most basic senses and combinations thereof, such as a sleepily geometric intricacy.

realize that one's purpose is separate; that each person has a mission and a set of experiences completely unique to their muddled and meddlesome mind. there is no need to find oneself snared in the seaweeds of lower ambitions....we can swim to higher places where we may see with more clarity, and breath with both less and more concentrated effort (depending upon the concentration. think about it). everyone at some point feels the spin, the pivot of a real ambition sneaking up on them. if programmed to defend well, then you might turn it away without questioning the real purpose of the game....but if you are open to another outcome, happily unfocused, then you might let it slip by, and find out that losing one game was the best thing to ever happen (and the start of something completely new).

happily unfocused. this might be a good definition for the mindstate of m over the past few years. dazed, disillusioned and again re-illusioned, but open, welcome and accommodating. antimatter believes that life naturally behooves us to stay, at least in some proportion, in this state....constantly off-balance, switchfoot, preparing for another potential or possible. focus is wonderful - it creates a thought-space where one can truly fine-tune an aspect of themselves, and dig deep to find out what can be known or said about something that drives them. but life is a balancing act, and to build a sandcastle higher than one's own height can mean two things: bridging toward the sky, and allowing a perspective that attains and projects vast complexities upon the surrounding world, or blocking one's view, distancing you from the natural freedom and chaos which comprises the lurching waves of life, of experience. which is an apt metaphor, because life has this tendency of eroding away what you have built when you become too focused; whittling away at the base while the top tier totters, imperceptible to one clinging onto it.

how does one struggle with meaning? tune in for more next time.

colin and m have just now decided upon the metric: for a dollar to still be spendable, there must still be at least 87.7% of it there. it would be inconceivable to chop a $20 in half and all of a sudden have forty spendables. the economy would crash.