dreamcatcher

i had an interesting experience last night....i started hovering over the precipice of sleep, but not actually tumbling into it. i had an exhausting day, and laid down at probably two in the morning, but for whatever reason wouldn't completely drop off. my mind sunk into a sleep-like state; i was able to clearly "see" things that i was thinking about, literally visualizing things in sharp lines and shapes. i wasn't able to control it necessarily. sometimes it would be an eruption of colors, and sometimes it would be a clear landscape, a play with players, a created world.

i remember when i was smaller, say elementary age, i used to have a particular skill. i was able to visualize drawings on a page, before they were actually there, and from that impression i would basically just trace out what my mind had already splashed onto the paper. i'm not sure at this point what to make of that, or where it has gone. i'm not sure if i lack the degree of creativity that i had then, or if my mind is so partitioned and full of varied information that i don't have the caches left to accommodate such lucid imaginings. maybe my mind clings to this solid-state world that we have, since it is more constant in ways than the imaginary, and it keeps my arm steeled against nonsensical interruptions. at any rate, it is a skill that i miss. lately when i draw or paint, or write for that matter, i don't really have any idea where it will end up....i have no means with which to reign things in. usually i will make a first stroke, and then a second, somewhat geometrically or in a unique formation, and then i will treat it sort of like cloud-watching....letting my mind pick out a picture that it could be a piece, it could be a keystone of. then that leap of faith is what it ends up becoming. now, this is a great modus operandi for a lot of different reasons...i've learned a lot from it and it has a lot of real-world implications that are useful in my everyday life, the more and more comfortable with it i become. i'm not sure i want to change it, for the time being, because i think it to be a valuable cultivation, a little precious crop of my own that i can work on to my ends. but, especially in the wake of my experience last night, i kind of miss the vivacity and forthrightness that my creative mind used to exhibit.

last night, like i said, i wasn't able to sleep for awhile. my mind somehow gave itself up to this, and instead it chose to drift in a liminal state...dreaming without sleeping, but not like day-dreaming. much more potent. the interesting part of it all was the degree of control which i had. i could nudge it, i could guide it. it was similar to a lucid dream (in which you acknowledge that you're asleep and dreaming), but without the comical side effects that usually arise from having the predominant sectors of logic in your brain completely switched off. a unique and psychedelic experience, but arising organically. it was a combination of mental functions which, for me, is very rare. i suppose i'm saying that i think there is something interesting to be learned from it, or ways to harness it for a positive result.

as i lay there, eyes closed, i was thinking from time to time of running for a pen. clearly this would have disrupted the stream of the moment, so i didn't~ but even so, i think (although not verifiably) that, had i been aware that the situation was going to happen, i could have had a pen in my hand and a pad of paper on the bed and been able to capture what was going on in some decipherable form or another (words, pictures). i know that i was awake enough to process the ideas, and could have transmitted them had i the means, even keeping my eyes closed. the feeling was loosely that of a bout of sleep paralysis (for those that have experienced it), but i know i could move slightly without risk of shattering it. instead of focusing on how i couldn't fully interact with the tangible world, i focused instead on how i could interact with the intangible one. i wish there were a better way to photograph what's going on in our minds than drawing and writing, but there really isn't, so i suppose it's fortunate that these are mediums which i am comfortable expressing myself through. *take care not to end sentence with preposition, blar. i think this skill, if i can develop it, would be a huge resource for me to draw from. it becomes so hard throughout the day to catch your mind on the hop, and to really express your good ideas when they come to you...this could be a door of perception that is worth throwing open. i can't think of the window i would have to close to accommodate it~

what is a more genuine expression of your mind than a dream? a whole world, rich landscapes, personalities and societies, architectures, all constructed out of nothing but the raw impressions the real world has left you with, and how you own unique mind twists and bends them. signs, representations. i would guarantee, even without a smidge of research to back me up, that dreams are one of the foremost inspirations for painters....i have had so many dreams that have been the richest, most explosive color schemes i have ever 'experienced' (if one can admit that reality of them). finnegan's wake, one of the most revered works of fiction that exists, is allegedly the lucid documentation of a dream. i think that they are powerful, that they can give us insights into the utmost potential of humanity and vision; new eyes to see the daylight with.

i'm so excited for the rest of this year~