apple cores

matches' sincerest apologies for the delay in postings...spent a weekend in seattle free from the ball-and-chain of computer access, and have been otherwise occupied since returning. autumn is in full swing now, like a rockies bat (rimshot sound effect; use your imagination~), and it feels refreshing. m's favorite month could be said to be composed of the last 15 days of september and the first 15 of october, but those digits are by colorado standards. apparently on the most western of coasts, things taffy themselves out a bit longer and with more suspense. though the leaves have been tinting and falling, the real feel of autumn has only more recently ripened. these seasons, they are spaced brilliantly...somewhere between remembrance and reality. they show up again just moments after you've managed to uproot yourself from their last performance.

"she says she has no time
for you now

so think about the lonely people
then think about the day she found you
or lie to yourself
and see it all dissolve around you"
~ keane - "she has no time"

what an atmosphere that song creates. trust. trust trust. do we trust? could we, should we; have we, will we? trust is quite possibly the most important element of a relationship. without it, there cannot be anything. well, something, but probably not anything worth having. when it comes to human relationships, there is no way to avoid having expectations. it's difficult to do on an activity to activity basis (aw, stood up for a date), but even moreso for affectations and emotional involvements. downright impossible. if you know someone as a friend for multiple years, you expect them to be a friend the next time you see them. there's no room for drastically chromatic mood-ring changes; we need stability in our connections. to be let down is a terrible, jarring experience; it shakes the foundations of trust and it severs bridges of communication.

for every turned phrase or shared expression between two people, there are a thousand unspoken and unseen tremors beneath the surface. a sentence traveling between two minds plays out a vast psychology of chutes & ladders; it is weighed, balanced, and judged. it alights upon fingers like a fluttering butterfly, or it is repelled by a formed phalanx of shields. the spectrum in between is dizzyingly inarticulate in its nature, and it is meant for feeling, not speaking.

and so it goes; we fly through jungles of communication with a strange sense of botany dictating to us our perceptions about the trees. we carve our names into them; we make them our own. we form conviction, and with conviction, feigned understanding and expectation. the problem is that the trees are deeper than we know or can see...they have an entire biology beyond merely what their appearances, scents, textures, and medicinal properties tell us. unless we come to understand this fundamental biology (which, in the case of this abstraction, is quite impossible), the trees will always maintain a measure of distance, and the ability to always surprise us with something new.

discord comes; trust is shattered. how do we pick up the pieces? are the broken doomed to be left so sharp that they cut the fabric of the world around them? is there no way to repair? can love not mend this rift, so obviously separated? is this lack of trust not merely a misunderstanding; a hardness that so far refuses to be broken up?

"trust only movement. life happens at the level of events, not of words. trust movement."
~ alfred adler

m is in full agreement with adler...words cannot do. will not do. words are phantoms without something real to anchor themselves on; they are fictions conjured by an imagination. as saul williams once said, though the quote may be massacred - fictions can lead to futures. people can make them into realities, but it takes a strong will and the courage to follow through. what does your soul look like? you're the one who produces its impressions, its ripples in the world. you're the only one who can possibly know. everyone else has no choice but to assume your authenticity, to believe that you act consciously...to trust you, to be yourself.

matches wants to believe. but hopes and beliefs are two quite different things.