hello rain

"and that was what now she often felt the need of - to think; well not even to think. to be silent; to be alone. all the being and the doing, expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated; and one shrunk, with a sense of solemnity, to being oneself, a wedge-shaped core of darkness, something invisible to the others. although she continued to knit, and sat upright, it was thus that she felt herself; and this self having shed its attachments was free for the strangest adventures. when life sank down for a moment, the range of experiences seemed limitless. and to everybody there was always this sense of unlimited resources, she supposed...one after another, [we] must feel our apparitions, the things you know us by, are simply childish. beneath it is all dark, it is all spreading, it is unfathomably deep; but now and again we rise to the surface and that is what you see us by....
...they could not stop it, she thought, exulting. there was freedom, there was peace, there was, most welcome of all, a summoning together, a resting on a platform of stability. not as oneself did one find rest ever, in her experience...but as a wedge of darkness. losing personality, one lost the fret, the hurry, the stir; and there rose to her lips always some exclamation of triumph over life when things came together in this peace, this rest, this eternity..."
~ virginia woolf; "to the lighthouse"

if there is one condition of life that could be viewed as a persistent antipode (amongst the many, no doubt), it could easily be said to be the division between solitude and friendliness. which is not to say that solitude is not friendly...in fact most times that matches finds himself sincerely in the former, he feels himself a pitcher overflowing with goodwill. it could be a couple of things....it could be that, grass being ever greener on the opposite bank, one always thirsts for a social atmosphere when one finds themselves in an absentia which so bleakly contrasts with it. it could also be that a brief sojourn from the complex structures of social frustration gives one's batteries a bit of a recharge, and traces human connections with a profound and optimistic outline. every cobweb needs the occasional shaking of its dust; every thorn is meant for bristling. it could also be (and here is the trick) that when one slides off all expectations and personality traits, like that last tantalizing article of clothing, something happens...some exchange, outpouring and inflowing, that harmonizes the soul with everything existent and every possibility that could cannonball through the waxpaper walls of the imagination.

because silly as it may sound, when matches props himself upon the stilts of solitude, the world just seems to fit together like jigsaw puzzles and tangrams. it clicks into place and cracks open its shell like a coded briefcase, consolidated and right-angled with smooth lines. being alone, truly, and being truly alright with it...this is a repose that is not allowed for in most bustling lives. but matches has never been a proponent of the bustle. a single mind, open to all the information that we have everysecond access to, is quite a dynamo; a spinning top with fizzes and pops. endless questions are woven into every fabric or material that could possibly be built with. endless colors and sounds are new, infinite; they are fireworks and arias.

tapping into that mindset is another thing to be filed as being so simple that it is just as simply overlooked. all one needs for access is an open heart and mind; an ability to let go of personal titles and claims. of course there are countless times as well that m wallows in self-pity or is reluctant to loosen his grip on himself; times that make isolation feel like a stray prison sentence - agonizing and unjust. but instead of letting them double one over in loneliness, we also have the choice to let them guide us...let them show us specifically where we are putting on clamps and binding, instead of letting the steam hiss, roar, and de-pressurize the system as a whole. pain is so often avoidable...it is painful just to think about how much could be avoided with the application of a little perspective. they need to make a cream for that~