track 5

"god, grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
the courage to change the things i can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

sincerest apologies to anyone whom i have dragged down into my spiral over the last year and a half. i've been trying to hold on to something, desperately, and somehow i lost track of the simplest notion in life....that things change, that they turn autumn colors. i wanted to steel my moment against change, to bind it so tightly within my notion of existence that it could not flitter away or fall to the wayside. i wanted to protect it, to keep it alive, and i couldn't understand when it became stale, when it slowly slipped away like sand squeezed too tightly in a closed hand. in essence this is one of my vices...when i pick a track on a cd to play over, and over...and over. nobody but myself can say how sweet of a melody that sound first whispered into my ears, but over time it becomes a wall, a room, inescapable, and every time i listen to it is one more missed opportunity when i could have appreciated other beautiful sounds, in some music of a different sort, or in the creak of a door, or the pendulous turn of a shadow to face the sun.

nothing good can come of forcing a moment; they happen of their own accord. you can feel it, like a glow, when they are right....and even moreso, a hollow, a nothingness, when they are wrong. living should not be about wrenching the world into a precise configuration to fit your, whatever you want to call it....ideals, desires; hopes. hopes must be different in that, hopes are a natural confluence. a streaming together of paths, like rivers bent by no hand. hopes are buried...they spring like blossoms in full splendor when they are nurtured, and the spirit lends them life. a dashed hope is a melancholy note, but sometimes the saddest melodies are also the most beautiful.

there are so many different wavelengths one can travel along the way...and they are so subterranean, so difficult to precisely match in their rhythm. we are the main source of the vibrations that touch our lives, however; our moods, our attitudes affect and disrupt every surrounding thing. we are the sun, brightening and vivifying, energizing. we are the moon, reflecting, caressing, painting. we are the rain rippling across a lake; dizzying and drumming the surface.
our minds are the stars, gateways to some higher place; but we can only reach with our thoughts and hope to effect the slightest twinkling of change. the distance is much too far.

it's time to let the past slip from my fingers. there is a whole wide world out there, struck like a tuning fork and humming with possibilities. i may not know all of who i am, but i know enough to set out on an adventure; that's kind of the point in the first place, isn't it? to pack up the picnic of my thoughts, my inspirations; to bundle them loosely in a red-and-white checkered knapsack and appreciate watching them tumble out all over the place. find something meaningful out there. or at least, enjoy the company of friends and fun along the way~

"blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird fly, blackbird fly
into the light of the dark black night.

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free."
~ the beatles