footprint

whata whata weekend.
it is funny how simple it is to overlook the path to happiness...how easy it is to become caught up in things outside of yourself, to divide your consciousness so many whichways and never really commit to any individual moment. m is at a very turbulent time in his life, when things are getting praised one day and tossed out the next, and it is difficult to get a grasp on oneself when the sands are shifting under your feet.

it seems like sometimes, the consciousness gets completely pulled from the body; extracted towards other things, other concerns, other ideas, other futures. scattered....feels like distance. how hard to maintain, when everything is remote. what happens when the you that you used to be, does not translate into the next frame? how do you feel about yourself? do you like chocolate-chip-mint ice cream in that hour? do you turn right or left, when resolve is whittled down to a whim? these are things that one trusts to a back-story for, a running dialogue to order the points of chaos into constellations.

"made a note of it
did you write it on your hand
put a name on it
to help you understand

well do you see
the futures holidays are for me
just let me know
where we go after the fall"
~ zero 7 - futures

in a new space, however, a distant place, the strands connecting you to those old ideas are stretched thinner and thinner; finally they are down to a filament that you can easily break with if you have no reason to hold on. they might even be nuisances, and you may be eager to brush them off. it is an interesting state of affairs.

the weekend was mentioned foremost for sound reason....it has helped matches to archaeologically recover some semblance of his past, an echo that bounces warmly off of this new city's corridors. having good, old friends in a place that has allowed you the freedom of choice regarding your personality is a profound experience. it allows you to recapture old decisions, old feelings, but now with a measured and compassionate perspective towards the basics of what and why and how. it is invigorating to be re-exposed to oneself, and also to play with, to bend and contort the notions of what someone thinks they may have known. life is chaotic, and thus it will always necessitate choice....a freedom that can be either cozily comforting or tormentingly frightening.

"how curiously one is changed by the addition, even at a distance, of a friend. how useful an office one's friends perform when they recall us. yet how painful to be recalled, to be mitigated, to have one's self adulterated, mixed up, become part of another. as he approaches i become not myself but neville mixed with somebody - with whom? - with bernard? yes, it is bernard, and it is to bernard that i shall put the question, who am i?"
~ virginia woolf - the waves

but, a useful office is indeed what matches' friends have performed this very weekend. they have given him the greatest of birthday presents - the past, present, and future. in his opinion, one of the greatest resources is the past...it is a deep well to draw strength and hope from. it is undeniable and locketed away, nestled layers deep and closer to the heart than the outside infringement of the day. it is not there to be feared; fearing the past would be a silly and wholly un-darwinian concept. it is to be understood; to be learned from. it aids us in our aims. and though we may glance at a faded picture and think, 'why would i possibly have worn that monstrosity?", the real question to be chiseled at is, "what self can this stir within me, which has lain dormant and yet has value?" never be embarrassed for your past~ it sticks up for you when all other support is vanished, like the truest of friends. it founds you; and to be misplaced from one's foundations is surely a sign of a degree of loss.

anyway, this weekend was brilliant in multiple respects. but most importantly, it has allowed antimatter to bring up a cool, clear bucket of himself to dip his hands in, to draw reflection and insight from and to douse the fires of his eccentricities (those that are negative, at least; he has a whole bushel of 'tricities). the places one can draw strength from...they really do depend on the personality, don't they? it seems that it can be found anywhere, it just takes the patience and precision to craft it into a reflection.