crinkle-crush of leaf underfoot

the after-enjoyment of experience is profound.
have you ever noticed, doing whatever it is in life that you are magnetized to do, that there is no purple ring of light around it? there is no shimmering cloud-edge, no cartoon thought-bubble that encapsulates it into a single, defined moment? that time all blurs and twists together; paper-maché strips that lose their identity in somehow forming a larger, more prevailing consciousness of who you are? do you remember how to make a paper-maché giraffe? you start with a balloon-animal, a hollow-shape, a form that is really based around a void. when you've glued enough colorful comic strips onto it and let them concretize, you can pop the balloon. it will stand on its own webbed bonds and architecture. it remains even though the superfine, extremely vulnerable structure beneath it - the thing that gave it shape in the first place - is gone.

why is it that matches feels so...mediocre most of the time? not, though, in the sense that you would probably expect. moreso he means that when he watches his thoughts as they pass, he doesn't notice too much polarization in any particular emotional direction. things happen, they are experienced and processed, and he is usually tipped slightly onto the 'happy' side of the tightrope as opposed to the sad. he tries to be optimistic, you see. this is the way that life passes in front of his eyes from moon to moon.

it all feels too plain~ and then this interesting thing happens. when he looks back on all the memories, which happens rather often, they have acquired something. some tinge of static, some splash of paint...he isn't sure exactly what, but it is there. it makes bright days seem brighter, and dark days seem, heavy. important. maybe darker, but not in a manner which amplifies the despair they perhaps held. they seem like valuable things; snowglobes to be marveled at and turned over in your hand. seashells to be put up to your ear. there is this strange nostalgia; reflection maybe; which filters and squeezes. juices moments for all they they hold or could be imagined to hold. makes memories fluctuate and sparkle, like having fireworks only once a year.

but it wasn't there to start with. why wasn't it there to start with? was it filtered out for economization? overlooked? was it a dash and a pinch, for flavor, added later? how would life feel, if memories were just as moments are? would it not be interesting, dramatic, emotionally-charged enough for us? do we take photographs to remember, or so that we can trigger this retouching? matches imagines that we have all had moments where we were upset, or exhausted, or surly; everything was wrong or unimportant in that moment and we wanted out. somehow they have the ability to butterfly into these incredibly captivating and nostalgic remembrances. somehow roadtrips, with all their dullness and tiring of our friends' constant presences, turn into these charming boxed moments that we love to pack up and take with us. somehow the most stressful times of our lives are character-building, laughable in retrospect.
matches' laptop battery is just about cashed, but what he would like to say is that he seeks a way to find access to these thoughts and emotions while the moment is still live. of course they are there...always there...but he wants to be able to channel his emotions in such a way that he can experience the full amplification of a moment as it passes (he would probably behave precisely like a crazy person if he found it, so make sure to check before committing him to any institution). it happens, of course, on occasion~ watching storm winds brewing; leaves throttling around on invisible tides. watching children play in water fountains and eat triple-scoop ice cream cones. these are appreciable things. but he wants a midas' touch of enlightenment; he wants the children to also be able to realize the intensity and the joy of their moment. and he isn't sure if that is possible.

how can you give that to a person? life. appreciation and awareness. if there is one thing that he has learned in the past while, it is that you cannot teach something to someone until they are ready to learn it. matches is not even sure he is ready to learn his own thoughts...hopefully that's why he fumbles with them like this~

mattress' shirt says "young for life", and it has an abstraction of a tree on it. dig upon that.