breadcrumbs

notable: it came up in conversation over jazz the other day (yesterday) that chris thinks that the geometric representation of time is a spiral; a coil. he thinks this because of an acid trip long, long ago. matches also has this same idea of time...it cycles back upon itself, and yet so much has changed in other spaces and capacities - we cannot assume it, then, to be circular, for to be circular would be a return to a precise past reference. m had gleamed this idea from somewhere within a joni mitchell song, but he cannot recall which one at present. regardless, the point of interest is that (conceivably), chris had this idea because the drug opened up a door somewhere within his mind; light pouring out from a keyhole that he found an angle to gaze through (albeit somewhat forcibly; hypnotically). joni mitchell could have had this same experience, on the same substance, and imparted its profundity into two solitary lyrics. loosely. this is what music is....a vision. still, antimatter finds it of interest that those lines grabbed him by the horn (what horn?) when he heard them; he was in a state of mind to accept what they had to offer, and it made crystalline sense at the time. it still could be said to. but m has never touched acid, and the idea that a tracer or echo of it has influenced his perceptions of the metaphysical is, well, like he said. of note, dimensionally~

doves - snowden
(no reason or rhyme to it; but you should probably listen to this song if you are reading this page. consider it a recommendation.)

does the weight of life feel a slight more burdensome lately? it seems this way. not to say that much has changed in a worldly sort of way...moreso to mention that, the older one gets, the more pressing it seems to leave an impression, an impact, a solution and a helping hand. there is this giant world, and we can make what we will of it (while conforming a little so as to make our own way). but, what will you do with it? it does not seem enough to live life in the most basic of possible ways. matches notices this subtle (actually, not even so subtle) tendency towards setting up camp, resigning oneself to life as businesses would prefer to have us see it. but there are intangibles, non-mentioned small prints in the books that m reads (and what else could fiction be described as but a handbook for a way of life); these things are excluded from the standard contractual obligation to society. out of sight, out of mind, no? but life is there, and ready for sculpting, shaping, painting...can we just ignore that? isn't it worth a mention that nobody enjoys their occupations very much (or so seems the general consensus)? le sigh. comfort and complacency managed to wedge their way into the list of priorities, and they have been scrapping for a top spot on the list for some time now.

instead of making generalized comments and blanket statements about 'people', mattress will discuss himself with you. he feels conflicted in that there is pressure to land a decent job and trudge on in that manner until the swamp turns into rain and into clouds and finally into sunshine and grassy fields. first of all, that is quite a projection...an assumption, we might as well call it. if there is anyone who seems unsatisfied with their jobs/lives, it is the people that are found to be working in corporations for the last 20 years. you must take m's word on this one, and only one the basis of his one last job in san rafael~ even so. it calls into question the 'eyes on retirement' philosophy.
"one of these days i'll blow away..."
~ doves
but the conflict is the ease of that proposition. there are so many facets of life; one of the most difficult decisions is which to commit oneself to. let us flail at the air...m chooses reading/writing as his first burrow. it is blissful, it is worthwhile. it is also devastatingly difficult. he thinks that this is the most serious problem of all in the scheme of decisiveness...the career path is, for the most part, defined and pre-determined. please those above yourself. please those below yourself, if you're feeling particularly spirited on a given day. beyond a defined job, things become nebulous, terrifyingly personal. what will we do? how shall we go about it, without direct guidance? the career path becomes the easy path, it becomes the path of least resistance. we act upon the same laws as the universe; we are eerily funneled into these designated slots.

but our nature screams out against it! matches hears it. you hear it. he has done his fair share of beating it down, just to conform as much as he has thus far (more than he would have liked). but this is the rub...he distances himself from anything that forces his nature to submit. he mentally distances himself from his jobs, from his payroll, from all associated aspects of it somehow (apologies, co-workers). he knows he is bigger than his occupational functions, and that is apparently a hard thought to swallow. that, is the interesting part. his nature knows what he is doing, and it is constantly calling him out on it. it feels disingenuine~ it feels not like himself. can we admit that? is there something to do that will feel wholeheartedly like he belongs amongst its intricacies? oh, but those paths are not easy. they constantly bring the freshness, the newness, the self-shredding and rebuilding like so many knotted cords of muscle. they are, in short, a pain in the ass, a challenge, a steeper route up the mountain.
but would you rather take a craggy mountain path, bristling with nature, or an escalator which maintains the same grey scenery and droning hum for its duration?

we both know the answer, and it is a matter of perspective. acknowledge what your inner monologue tells you; it is the closest friend that you can have. be that friend to other people, if you can find the time to. and the key to finding time? not wasting it.