into the looking glass

seem to be somewhat off and on with writing here...so much chaos that can interfere with one's writing schedule. noticing, off and on, hither and thither, the difference between spending time alone and spending it with others. lately m has been functioning in a much more social capacity. even when this is the case, he should still be scrapping together some fragments of time to write in~ suprisingly, or perhaps less so, there is something poignantly, offensive, about entertaining guests and personalities. which isn't to say that it offends...rather that, one always remains slightly on edge, as viewed in opposition to the nature of solitude. instead of sinking deeply inside the mind, there has to be a degree of receptiveness at all times; a radio stuck on vocal frequencies and small niceties. matches still finds himself in many an atmosphere that should be conducive to mental deep-sea dives, but his lung capacity is truncated, pneumoniacally, because a certain percentage of his psyche must remain alert to the presence of society and some notions of its expectations in regards to himself. that sentence was a mouthful; he knows because he said it. have you ever seen one of those samurai movies where the main character, having been woken in the dark of night by some slight aggressive movement on the part of an enemy, springs to his feet with weapon already in hand? being social is somewhat like this, always some guard to be projected. have not yet learned to apply the skill of subconsciousness to this arena...every affront by another mind, another perception, is like being struck with a stone and rattling, ringing. static; distortion; misplacing of thoughts as they are dropped in mid-stride.

can you imagine exploring a cave, probing the depths, and then being yanked back to the consciousness of the surface by a scream from whomever had been lowering you down on the rope? these are separate worlds; crashing them means (at least, currently) that one must take precedence over the other in terms of priority. is this something that thinkers learn to confront and sublimate? or is matches doomed to require a certain tapering and distance from the company of people, especially ones he knows well?

"i feel sad, when you run, run, run, run, run..."
~ air

in other news, please do yourself the favor of going out and buying a stellar set of headphones or speakers. you can't believe how much you're missing; how surface instead of submerged. mattress will ponder the idea of transmission...what is should entail, how it may be improved upon, deign some sort of value system (well, deign was the word he wanted to make use of, but certainly if anything he believes that transmissions are of a higher nature and are condescending to his level~ listen to a harmonic note and honestly tell him you believe otherwise). shook.