everything in its right place

or rather, the lack thereof. the whole desmond fiasco in 'lost', as well as matches' own misgivings about what he should be doing, seem to globulate into a strange curiosity about life. added to this question is something m has been reading on the nature of the human spirit, and whether or not it is purely a conspiracy between the imagination and with bodily sensations.
basically the premise seems to be that our emotions, which one could arguably say are the most spirited part of us, exist in conjunction with the body....that nervousness, etc. are basic physiological reactions of the body, and that all of our shadings (which contribute notably to what we feel and who we are) are dependent upon systematic processes within the body. alright, it was a sliver more optimistic than this....it said that the mind and the body work together, in a sound unity, to produce the essence of what we would call 'consciousness'. mattress thinks that this is probably a very basic belief at this stage of our evolution...everybody can agree that their body has some sort of effect upon their state of mind. but the disturbing thought in the book was more along the lines of stark determinism; that our emotions did not really belong to us (proper; dependent upon what you would like to determine 'us' as) but were rather domino effects in mid-fall.

the problem that anitmatter has with this is that emotions are responsible for most of what he considers to be the greatest human achievements. art, music (seeing a particularly spectacular live jazz ensemble last night, m is spun full of good thoughts regarding what it is about music that has such a powerful and sympathetic magnetism. but that shall wait), love; perhaps even the notions of feelings themselves. these things are indefatigable; they push and pull, regardless of our current state - they contort and stretch us into something larger, something nobler than our base instincts. but instinct is rooted in the body...it is mindless, stomping...pushes in a similar way or with parallel standards, but does not quench nearly as thoroughly, not nearly as intimately with what matches believes himself, to be. they confine, they shrink if anything. so, perhaps this is just an issue in which his idealistic worldview (or selfview, depending upon your...view) is clashing with some potential science, some possible truth.

whispered aside: could art be considered instinct?
perhaps.

basically, the point comes to a crux for matches when life expires, when the body decomposes and leaves a poignantly burning question mark behind. if spirit is woven into the body; if it relies upon it for some sort of reference to existence, then what becomes of the spirit after death? what of yourself can survive? this is how it throws the curve; it changes eternity into something spiritually-absent, some falling of a tree without anyone to hear it. m is not about to be shy regarding his spiritual views....this is not the way it works for him. he has more of, how you say, faith. but lofty thoughts run into this sandpaper-abrasive science, and everything is rasped, wraithed...because damn if the science doesn't make a difficult-to-admit degree of sense to the gearings of the mind. there seems to be truth there (m is cautious, and is on the verge of throwing out the word 'truth' alltogether for the rest of his days); it explains situations that have been and will probably come to be. he knows there is at least some truth there. the question is, how much? le sigh.

laptop is tragically absent of the animating force of battery spirit. apologies for halfway starting points and then abandoning them~
for now.